#Year of change #LoveLife #2019

Singing in 2019 in last year, I saw all the smiling faces surround me. I kissed goodbye to an epic 2018, with my husband holding me softly, telling me all he wants is to spend everyday of his life with me. Leaving me, as always, feeling a continued awestruck gratitude that brought him into my life.

Normally every year I reflect back on the positives and the negatives. Make resolutions I never keep on losing weight, or ‘changing’ anything I’ve decided I don’t arbitrarily like about myself. But this year I’m left feeling nothing but gratitude. And a distinct lack of need for a resolution, of any kind.

At the end of 2017 I tried to accept I wasn’t ready for a relationship yet, and continued to try and ‘look for change’. I was still hunting down the ‘new’ Amy that was magically different, better, shinier. The year had other plans for me though.

2018 took me on a tour through Thailand and Nepal, where the Magician and I came back together. During the several months that followed a cycle of me trying to prep for the 2,200 mile Appalachian trail and injury, I finally realised that the Magician wasn’t going to hurt me (I didn’t need to keep trying to run away from him). My third (and final) attempt at hiking the trail lasting only a few days and miles out from Harpers ferry. Giving me time to finally realise and truly accept what it really meant to ‘listen to’ my body. Whilst the Magician traveled to India for satsang that changed his life, to the point I followed suit a few short weeks later. The winter brought me home to our French wedding filled with more love and tears than I thought existed in the world. And if that wasn’t enough, we finally made it home, to Dublin, to settle down for a life filled with love, nature and simplicity.

At the end of all this, I can’t help but be stuffed to the brim with gratitude. Two years ago I started a new journey, which has lead me to a new family that has welcomed me home like a long lost friend. Continued to leave me filled with a flabbergasted inspiration for my wheelchair bound mother. Warmed to the bottom of my heart with my family’s continued love. Mischievous giggles from shared laughter and adventures with friends old, and new. But, above all, there’s a twinkle in my eyes, put there as if by magic, from a blue eyed Frenchman.

During the last few months I’ve questioned whether or not to continue my blog. I’d originally started this as a method to help me work through the sudden changes in my life, then as a method to improve my writing. A conversation with a beautiful Belgian Lion finally brought me back here. Reminding me of the simple pleasure I have of writing, and her’s, from seeing another’s adventures through their eyes.

I’ll leave you all here, wishing you a wonderful 2019. One where you don’t have a resolution to be a ‘new’ person, seek reasons to not just accept that beauty that is you, just as you are. Where you can enjoy the cup of tea, just for the pleasure of the moment. One where your health continues to be your wealth. A year that sparkles and ignites love in you. And lastly….. one that helps you to connect to someone beautiful.

Credits: A massive thank you to the phenomenal Alex, who caught our smiles, and the epic Simon, who captured our cold November salutations.

Advertisements

Earnt my Sweat- #Poem #Poetry

Legs gently warmed

Arms lose at my sides

Curled at the elbow in a warrior pose

Sun on my face

Gently flecks of rain to cool my brow

Concrete falling away under my strides

Pound music in rhythm with my heart beat

Stress falls away

Knowledge that I can

In every stride

Continue reading Earnt my Sweat- #Poem #Poetry

Earnt

Earning the sweat

Watching the scales

Believing in myself

Pounding out my stress

Muscles springing fire

Opening to a new world

Freedom in my movement

The beauty of my body

In groans and aches

Challenging the changing pace

Adrenaline thrusting me forwards

Into a new free life

Sweet Freedom

Truffle caught in my throat

Sickly sweet

Dense in my stomach

Feeling sick

I still consume

Why?

When it causes only pain

I smile as if the full feeling is love

Not false sweetness

Tired of cosmetic lies

Seeing the increasing buldges

On my diet of your lies

My mirror is warped

Showing fingers entwined

But its only me, clasping my own

Chocolate wrappers littered around

And that sickly sweet sickness spreads

Unable to cover the hole in my chest

Till my legs find purchase

Curling in strength

Bearing me away

Shedding your pointless lies

Growing in speed

And filled with unused gasoline

Taking me on a new journey

Free from your sweet entrapment

End of 2017

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

So the end of the year is coming to a close, and I always find this is a time where I reflect a lot on the positives and negatives that have happened throughout the year. And the hopes, goals and anticipated adventures I will have over the next year.

The end of last year I’d flown back to Dublin, suddenly knowing that my husband left me out of the blue and I was going to be alone, in a city we planned on moving too together. I’d started that painful time of having to convince friends and family that yes, my husband really had left me, and no he wasn’t going to suddenly change his mind. I knew him, when he set his mind to something that was it. Regardless of whether this was the right decision or not.

There were a lot of low moments I felt during the year. I lost half of my family overnight (as typically happens during a divorce). Had to watch as the man who’d been my world disappeared over night, and then promptly moved another woman’s things into my home in London (whilst simultaneously seeing him lie about it). Looking back now, I’m surprised I didn’t have a breakdown at the beginning of the year to be honest. I came exceptionally close 3 times and the last of those moments terrified me, to the point I decided to take a year out from what was my life. In the hopes that I would heal myself. I’d like to point out this wasn’t to ‘get over my ex’. This is something that always rankles me, people assume I wasn’t over him. The thing I hadn’t come to terms with was that I’d spent the last 9 years of my life pursuing a white picket fenced dream that didn’t make me happy. And in the process, I’d completely lost myself.

There were some exceptionally positive moments during this year though where I gained more than I could have expected, or thought I deserved…

I realized what it’s like to have a family to support you no matter what. Got to know my sister on a completely different basis and finally understood what people say, when they say they couldn’t imagine life without her. Experienced my mother’s unfaltering support, to the level that in her mid- 70’s helped me pack up my life in Dublin, after I decided to take a year out of a high- pressured career.

Began to overcome my obsessive compulsive eating disorder and lost about 7 stone (which is about 98 pounds or 44.5kg). Started to write again, which has helped me to slowly find new ways to express my emotions (rather than eating through them). Took on my first outdoor challenge and travelled over 250k across Costa Rica coast to coast. Fell in love with walking, which has lead me to walk 1,000 miles on the Camino (raising ~€900 for Syrian refugees on the way).

I felt unexpected real friendship, when someone says ‘We’re not picking a side, I love you both’. Had endless visits, drinks and ears who listened unjudging. Had the joyful sparks of new friendships blossom and grow in Dublin, and then again with the walkers I meet on my Camino across Europe. And was completely blown away when one friend dropped everything to help me pack up my home in London (after, yes, you’ve guess, my minds 3rd attempt at having a nervous breakdown).

The bitter sweet edge at the end of year was falling in love again. But having to swallow the bitter pill when I realised I still hadn’t spent enough time alone, to know who I am, or at least not enough to be in a relationship again (without losing myself completely). But I’m trying to learn to be patient with myself on this. But patience has never been my strong suit!

And my hopes, goals and adventures for next year? Well, I’m hoping to kick my eating disorder permanently in the butt! Finish writing my first book (hopefully), or at least making a good start on it whilst lying on a sunny exotic beach. Walking 1,000 miles across Europe didn’t sate my love of walking, so I’ll be heading out on the Appalachian trail (2,200 miles) going from South to North USA. Then I’m hoping to head home to Dublin!

I hope you all have a wonderful end to your 2017 and all your dreams and wishes come true for 2018. See you in the new year!!

Beginning of a Journey

20170716_183400So I’ve been avoiding writing this for several weeks. I’m not 100% sure why, probably because although I’m about to embark on an amazing adventure and I’m going to have to say goodbye to Dublin (at least for a while).

I’m writing this in what has been my little slice of heaven, 20+ degrees, sunshine, and looking out on the beautiful port of Malahide with a tea in my hand. Why would anyone willingly leave this? Good question.. again, not 100% sure why, I just know that I have too. If I go back to the start, everyone says, ah, yes that makes sense. So my start is 22nd December 2016, my husband calls me and out of the blue and tells me he doesn’t want to move to Dublin (and part of that reason was me). To say it came as a shock is an understatement. Within 4 days, I faced accepting the man I loved intensely wanted a divorce for reasons I wasn’t ready to acknowledge or accept.

So, that’s my start, but my decision to pack everything up and walk 1000 miles on the Camino came some months later. I was back in my old house in Weybridge alone packing up the meagre parts that were 13 years of a black, white and grey relationship. Some things I opened and investigated, other things were too painful to do more than throw in a box (and hope in a few years will have lost their power over me). One thing I dared to open was a jewellery box my Dad had given to my mother (hats off to my epic pilfering (and sorry mum…you love me really?!)). In this was a chain I’d worn during my travels with my ex, which contained 2 St Christopher’s. Who would need 2, isn’t that a little greedy? Why yes! However, both mean a lot to me. One is my mum’s (again, sorry mum…got a feeling I’ll be saying this a lot in here!). The other, my mum gave to me, before I got lost in South America for several months.

Needless to say I pulled it out and put it on. Something hadn’t quite clicked yet. But little did I know, it was about to crash down, like an avalanche.

That evening my mum arrived and I managed to escape the house with her. After chilling out the next day, I had a horrible realisation about how much work I needed to do. So getting back to the hotel at 10pm, I opened up my emails, and began trudging through everything that ‘needed’ to be done. And when I say ‘needed’ to be done, it didn’t. The world wasn’t going to end, there was no emergency, there were no lives at stake. Just another over- demanding group of stakeholders who didn’t care I was on holiday, they just wanted me to get done what they wanted at their convenience. All whilst I was dreading the next day, where I’d be moving out of my home. It was at this moment the crash came. Here I was again, working till 2am, to satisfy some grumpy stakeholders, when I had much bigger things going on. What was I doing with my life? And this is when it hit me, I wasn’t doing my life. I was a passenger trying to make myself believe a white picket fence, with the 2.1 children would make me happy. And none of this had. If anything, it had taken me further from my happiness than I would have thought possible. Within 24 hours I just knew I had to walk 1000 miles on the Camino, and that was that.

And so now I have to say goodbye to my little flat. Something that’s been my sanctuary for the last few months. Where I’ve started to learn to come back to myself. And its because of this I’ve decided a few things:

  1. I’m a cliché… a British version of Eat, Pray, Love and, I love it!
  2. I’m very lucky that I’ve had a roof over my head. So I want to raise some money for those who aren’t as fortunate (the Syrian refugees). I’ve picked 2 charities to support (Movement on the ground and Football for refugees) and will be setting up my donation site imminently.
  3. Divorce is tough. Even when its amicable. And maybe the lesson’s I’ve learnt can help someone else out there. So I’ll be tracking my journey on my blog and hopefully I’ll have enough material to cobble a book together at the end.
  4. My feet are seriously going to hurt soon… Please send plasters… massage therapist.. someone to fan me and serve me peeled grapes.

See you soon, and as they say on the trail, Buen Camino! xox