Contradiction

We’re here again

Trying to break the pattern

Continue reading Contradiction

Despair

I give over to you

As a thousand times before

My faithful friend

I fall into my usual rhetoric

It feels simple, easy, uncomplicated

I don’t have to think

To feel your loving arms around me

Taking me to the oblivion I crave

Here I don’t have to think

I just am.

Selfish, wallowing in the self

Take me away from the sunshine

Into the darkest recesses of my mind

Create evidence of my continued failure

Despair absolute

On my isolated island of pity

To choke on my own denial

Of a world across the sea

Life boats occasionally float past

Looking for signs of life

Turning my back

Secure in the knowledge I would drown

As how could they accept

Believe in me

Love me?

Save me?

If I don’t even want it myself

Stagnet

The path is winding

Boulders fill my way

I clamber and climb

Feet finding purchase

I get high from my success

But sucked down from the distance to go

Questioning when will my journey end

What is my success

But to continue the climb

Peering back I see the vista

Glaring forward I talk in the peak

Sat on my boulder I wait

Refusing to move on further

Sunrising; Sunsetting

And still I move no further

I am weary from the paths toil

Yet nothing here is changing

I grow stale, muscles atrophy

My mind muggy

Begging for difference, yet body unchanged

Movement no longer understood

Change now unheard

And I rot into the waste

Et tu Brute?

You forgot to tell me

Didn’t care to say

You were testing us

Testing the grass

Moving away

I would have accepted

Could have understood

But I’ll never know

I stayed behind

Clearing the weeds from my heart

Don’t fall my love

Don’t come back

The damage one

Beyond compart

And you proceeded anyway

Never to look back

At the trail of blood

From the stab wound in my back

 

My Redemption Song

I knew who you were

Late

I listened to the wrong advice

Eagerly

Ignoring my never wrong gut

Easily

Hand blindly wrenched into your chest

Simply

My heart dripping your souls life blood

Staining

Death calling for me to come home

Madness

Spirit divided in dark dreams of pain

Punishment

Gaia tells me to have hope

Forgiveness

Because I stand waiting for you

Judgement

Peace comes in fleeting hopes of redemption

Faith

Numb

My taste buds have gone

My skin prickles in shame

Excuses echo pointless on my lips

Your righteous anger ringing out

How could you understand the why?

When I don’t understand myself

Just know I’m human

And made a mistake I’ll never recover from

I accepted responsibility when I told you

Not wanting my guilt to rot through us

But I see it’s too late anyway

The word hate rings out from your lips

And my stomach falls down

My wings ripped away

And I fall dead to the ground

I want to repeat the easy death of my ethereal self

To live in peaceful slumber

To numb myself to my betrayal

Because I can’t live in a chasm without your love

A never-ending eclipse

Cast from the warmth of your love

I know that would be yet another betrayal

So I wait in hope

That you can forgive one day

That one day you accept my apologises

And feel my love

Falsehood

Pity in your eyes

You find me alone and assumed lonely

But I am my best friend

I take care of my needs

Better than any man can

Your eyes mirror mine in the past

Your complaints, the ones you keep hidden

Beneath the facade that marriage equals happiness

That solitude is a horror to dread

But hearing your tale

Stings of too many unspoken words

To close to the truth, that I face

Marriage is not a truth of life

Just a consequence of cultured drive

That monogomy is the only goal

With an abundance of screams

But we are different

Your pity unjust

As mine is buffering your arrogance

That I want your life, when clearly I have my freedom

 

Sea

Boat in a storm

I’m lost in a storm

Clasp the dingy

Hope the waves

Don’t set me adrift

Chant stay afloat

Pray to the Gods

Beg for a way through

Take the salt

Stinging my eyes

I remember a world before

I was lost at sea

When I had my island

But my world flooded

Land fell from my feet

And cursed the sea

So now I wait

Clinging to my dingy

Praying for the storm to pass

And the stars to come

Crystal ball

Crystalball

Lie to me

Take away the sadness

Blow up the future

Tell me a dream

Make me a believer

In forever after

 

Bottomless sadness

Shock tremors through

Overtaking me

Suffocating my steps onward

I bloat on false happiness

Pretending to be complete

When I’m purely hollow

 

Find me

Lie to me

Tell me I have a future

In your crystalball

Not the end I’m sinking too

Beginning of a Journey

20170716_183400So I’ve been avoiding writing this for several weeks. I’m not 100% sure why, probably because although I’m about to embark on an amazing adventure and I’m going to have to say goodbye to Dublin (at least for a while).

I’m writing this in what has been my little slice of heaven, 20+ degrees, sunshine, and looking out on the beautiful port of Malahide with a tea in my hand. Why would anyone willingly leave this? Good question.. again, not 100% sure why, I just know that I have too. If I go back to the start, everyone says, ah, yes that makes sense. So my start is 22nd December 2016, my husband calls me and out of the blue and tells me he doesn’t want to move to Dublin (and part of that reason was me). To say it came as a shock is an understatement. Within 4 days, I faced accepting the man I loved intensely wanted a divorce for reasons I wasn’t ready to acknowledge or accept.

So, that’s my start, but my decision to pack everything up and walk 1000 miles on the Camino came some months later. I was back in my old house in Weybridge alone packing up the meagre parts that were 13 years of a black, white and grey relationship. Some things I opened and investigated, other things were too painful to do more than throw in a box (and hope in a few years will have lost their power over me). One thing I dared to open was a jewellery box my Dad had given to my mother (hats off to my epic pilfering (and sorry mum…you love me really?!)). In this was a chain I’d worn during my travels with my ex, which contained 2 St Christopher’s. Who would need 2, isn’t that a little greedy? Why yes! However, both mean a lot to me. One is my mum’s (again, sorry mum…got a feeling I’ll be saying this a lot in here!). The other, my mum gave to me, before I got lost in South America for several months.

Needless to say I pulled it out and put it on. Something hadn’t quite clicked yet. But little did I know, it was about to crash down, like an avalanche.

That evening my mum arrived and I managed to escape the house with her. After chilling out the next day, I had a horrible realisation about how much work I needed to do. So getting back to the hotel at 10pm, I opened up my emails, and began trudging through everything that ‘needed’ to be done. And when I say ‘needed’ to be done, it didn’t. The world wasn’t going to end, there was no emergency, there were no lives at stake. Just another over- demanding group of stakeholders who didn’t care I was on holiday, they just wanted me to get done what they wanted at their convenience. All whilst I was dreading the next day, where I’d be moving out of my home. It was at this moment the crash came. Here I was again, working till 2am, to satisfy some grumpy stakeholders, when I had much bigger things going on. What was I doing with my life? And this is when it hit me, I wasn’t doing my life. I was a passenger trying to make myself believe a white picket fence, with the 2.1 children would make me happy. And none of this had. If anything, it had taken me further from my happiness than I would have thought possible. Within 24 hours I just knew I had to walk 1000 miles on the Camino, and that was that.

And so now I have to say goodbye to my little flat. Something that’s been my sanctuary for the last few months. Where I’ve started to learn to come back to myself. And its because of this I’ve decided a few things:

  1. I’m a cliché… a British version of Eat, Pray, Love and, I love it!
  2. I’m very lucky that I’ve had a roof over my head. So I want to raise some money for those who aren’t as fortunate (the Syrian refugees). I’ve picked 2 charities to support (Movement on the ground and Football for refugees) and will be setting up my donation site imminently.
  3. Divorce is tough. Even when its amicable. And maybe the lesson’s I’ve learnt can help someone else out there. So I’ll be tracking my journey on my blog and hopefully I’ll have enough material to cobble a book together at the end.
  4. My feet are seriously going to hurt soon… Please send plasters… massage therapist.. someone to fan me and serve me peeled grapes.

See you soon, and as they say on the trail, Buen Camino! xox