#Braindead; #Wakingup; #Donegal

Easter Sunday represents the day of re- birth, washing away sins, the end of denial, and a beginning of stuffing your face with Easter Egg chocolate.

The Magician and I drove up to Donegal, for a sneeky weekend away at a little Sleepy Hollow campsite near the Errigal mountain. I’m not kidding when I say I’ve wanted to get out to Donegal for over a couple of years. Especially since it won the coolest place to be in 2017 by National Geographic. Its difficult to beat that!

Its a long drive out from Dublin, taking almost 4 hours through winding roads across increasing dramatic landscapes. Eventually your rewarded with a long view of the glittering sea, under troubled dark grey clouds. The Magician and I kept our tradition of him directing me, as I would continually get my left and right turns wrong. Sparkling deep conversation titillating us to think more about what ‘work life balance’ is? And slowly just being drifted further into ‘wow’…. ‘ah just wow’

20190421_112654After arriving late into the afternoon, we immediately set up our tent and chilled. Eventually making our way to the local pub (unbeknownst to us, its the home of Enya and Clannad). Listening to a locals strumming away whilst we tucked into Orchards Thieves cider. Stumbling back to the tent, I had, what I can only describe as the best nights sleep I’ve ever had in a tent. Enjoying the simple fact the campsite doesn’t allow kids. People would think that this is wrong, and unfair. But, to put it simple, kids are beautiful, fun, and delightful to watch. They are, however, annoying at 5am, when I want to sleep. Or irritating when parents tell you to be quiet at 8pm, because they’re precious lami-kins (who’s going to wake you at 5am) needs their beauty sleep.

After waking and having a deep conversation on the ethics and drivers to be vegan (why wouldn’t any one be?!). We set off in serve of more adventure, eventually landing at the Sliabh Liag cliffs. Walking up through the mist, we eventually gave up trying to see the impressive cliffs and just enjoyed the views over the bay. As we strolled down the dirt path, a thought hit me. I’m so glad I woke up. Saying this to the Magician, he immediately started talking about Dolano. But that wasn’t what I had meant. I’m so glad I woke up to life. When my ex and I were married, life happened to me. I was just simply a passenger. And you can see these passengers everywhere. They have kids, they don’t know if they want. Go for jobs because they pay well, because they’re meant to have a nice life. In a moment of immense change, I woke up. I started to ask myself what I liked to eat. No longer just eating to simplify to what someone else wanted. I asked myself if I enjoyed my job, and still wanted to pursue living in the US.

Everything I thought I wanted in life was because I was a passenger. Watching the scenery through the window. I didn’t interact with anything. I was utterly dispondant to the world. I didn’t relate to anything. Only a perception on what I should be.

Yes, going to Dolano woke me up. But getting divorced lead me to question my life. Question what made me happy? What did I want.

20190421_183146We ended the day tumbling through sand dunes. Giving me wonderful memories of my travels with my ex- husband. But I’m so blindingly grateful that I’m not asleep in alife with him anymore. That I woke up, that I continue to wake up, that I’m in my driving seat now.

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#WeighedDown

Most people I meet have a part of their body that they hate. They want to change it. Obsess over it. When something changes, you lose a bit of weight, get waxed, use anti- wrinkle cream, or the extremes like plastic surgery. You then just find something else. Because that’s what we do, its not the dislike we have of our body. We’re looking for a fault, we then just like to obsess over it.

I’m struggling with this right now….. And its two things I obsess over now… I can’t seem to just let it go.

So the first is my weight. To give you some of the history, when I got married, within 1 year I put on 60 pounds all the weight. During the next 6 years of my marriage I would continue into a hate cycle of over- eating, obsessing over diets, lose a little weight. Only to just put it all back on and then some. Eventually leading to me being over 100 pounds over- weight.

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My marriage ended suddenly and finally it seemed to break the loop of my eating disorder. I slowly and methodically lost the weight, actually got back to doing excercise. And for those who want to know how I lost the weight, these were the things I did in order:

  1. Stress: I stopped eating for about 2 months. I had to re- train myself to eat. DO NOT DO THIS!!! Its not healthy, and it happened purely because of stress. I only lost a little weight from this, so just don’t do it, its not sustainable or kind to your body.
  2. Excercise: I started to get back into the gym and going hiking.
  3. Food: I started by stopping eating take outs, then stopped eating a lot of processed foods (especially sweets, chocolate and ice- cream). Through this and excercise I lost about 70 pounds.

This helped to build my confidence exceptionally about myself. But I’d still look in the mirror, obsessing about the extra weight. It became a gauge to measure my happiness. More weight gone, obviously meant I was happy? People would compliment me, and I started to go on more and more dates, enjoying my single life.

 

At this stage I was still about 20 pounds over weight. Struggling to get down to the weight I wanted to be. This started to slowly creep away from the final changes I made:

  1. Allergies: A very kind friend recommended I get my food allergies tested. Apparently its fairly common for people with an eating disorder to have food allergies. After being shocked with my list of about 30 odd things I’m allergic too, I slowly cut out all this food. Which basically meant becoming vegan and no more processed food ever….
  2. Vegan: We can get all the nutrition we need from vegan food (except Vitamin B12). My allergies made the choice easy. But ethically its the right thing to do for the planet. Its also just wrong. If you can’t watch ‘Earthings’ as a meat eater, you should just become vegan. And this got the last bits of weight off.

But did this stop me obsessing… No.

I’m still watching the scales everyday. The ghost of my weight. The mind- scar reminder of excess skin at my stomach. I brought up again with the Magician curled up in bed, maybe I could get it removed?

Pulling me gently aside as always he reminded me. Get it removed if you want. It will hurt you, but we have the money, that’s not the issue. The issue is that it won’t change you being obsessed over it. You’ll just obsess over something else on your body that you don’t like. Until you just drop the whole thing. Just accept your body as it is. So instead of burning a serious hole in our house fund I’m going to work on dropping the comparison, the watchman in my mind. The one that stares in the mirror, looking for the ‘errors’. The idiotic thought that thinks I should look like a 20 year-old movie star. The lapse in thought that seriously questions that the Magician would love me more if my body was different. Because if I actually look at those for a second, the ludicrous nature of those thoughts disappears in the light.

Win- Lose #We’realllosers #LeavingtheCompetition

My week was drawing to a close, grabbing a pint with my new colleagues. We all sat around in the old man Irish pub inundated with my bank colleagues. This was where we drank together. Rinsing off the week with happy faces. Glad to be leaving to office behind, but even happier to be celebrating that fact with our team mates.

Talking of random stuff, we launched into the topic of running. Especially as I was trying to convince people to do a night run with me for charity. The topic of marathon’s came up. He wants to run a marathon, because of the ‘bragging rights’ to be allowed to be a ‘smug’ marathon runner. This made me laugh, as I’ve run a marathon. And in no way do I feel smug. If anything, I feel like an ‘loser’ marathon runner, as I ran it in five and a half hours.

We live in a world where we put people into category’s of ‘Winners’ and ‘Losers’. Where we rank everyone, including ourselves. Women I know are especially bad at say ‘well I’m not good enough’. And all of this plays out into how we motivate ourselves. Whether we battle through ‘to prove something’. This battle is how I got myself through my divorce. I wasn’t going to let my ‘ex- husband’ win at this ‘post- divorce’ life. I would be the more successful one, the kinder one, the happier one.

This also plays out into how we rank ourselves. With the level of suffering we have. I remember I would do this for hours with some of my class mates. I had the worse life, my parents were mad at me, I’d had an argument with my brother. Beat that! Pity me, pity me! Look how much further I’ve succeeded by suffering through that to get here!

As life progressed on, I’d try to play this game out again. And when my ex- husband and I broke up I became a die- hard victim. People would look at me, sympathy in their eyes, and relief that they weren’t me. Occasionally people would try to drill below the surface of my ‘Look at me, I’m the one winning post- divorce’. Understanding that there wasn’t going to be any winners or losers here. And over time I became more and more irritated with that look. The questions behind it. The demand on me to say ‘I was a victim’ and ‘I needed to cry about it’.

Listening to my colleague, I could see this playing out for him. He wants to be a ‘smug’ marathon runner. I tested him, as we both agreed running for a long distance is quite frankly… boring to us both. So why do this? He wants to win at this thing called ‘life’. He wants to be a Barney Stinson. Because obviously there are only winners and losers right?

But, let me tell you a little secret…. this is bulls*$t. We’ve been taught a story about ‘Winners’ and ‘Losers’. Told what it means to be successful. And this all revolves around an idea that if we rack up accomplishments, awards, money, a spouse, travel to exotic countries. This is what it means to win. We never ask the question of what it is to just do something because you enjoy it. Just for the simple pleasure of it giving you a warm feeling of joy.

I still run regularly, just because I enjoy it. I enjoy the flow of my body in the steps it takes. The muscles stretching in endless repetitive strides, as my feet pound into the relentless concrete. So as I sit and contemplate ‘Would I ever do a marathon again’… the word ‘Nah!’ comes strongly into my mind. And this isn’t because I’m a ‘smug’ marathon runner already. Its just purely because I can’t be bothered. I don’t need a medal to show I’m winning at life. I just don’t want to play that game anymore.

Stories #Lyingtomyself #SeeReality

We’re over half way through January and I can feel winter is coming, with a cold snap on its way to Europe next week. I’m currently sat starring out into Malahide estuary wondering where my weekend went?

And I know where most of it did. I got sucked into ‘Life’s stories’ again and wanted to hide in a little hole and not come out again till it’s summer.

I don’t think I’m alone in this, but I have a rhetoric in my head. Sometimes this is very strong. The challenge then comes when my negative, anti- social rhetoric interacts with other people. My negative perception then just weaves these complex RIDICULOUS stories.

For example…. the Magician left for India a week ago. During one of our daily chats, he’d warned me that he needs to focus on Satsang. Its the whole reason he’s in India. How did I take his comment? One I already knew? Well… I was feeling sad, so my beautiful mind then regurgitated it up to evidence that I’m not important to him. Therefore I’m not important to anyone, and then whats the point to anything. [Interlude continuing the self- flagellating story]……

Our past experiences in life creates these little ‘stories’ in our head. These little stories when regurgitated create and play out into dramas. Which then create a cycle of mis- understandings in how we communicate and hear one another. These stories effectively create filters across our eyes, which stop us from seeing the truth of how we are interacting and talking with one another.

So whats the point of my little ramble today? Well, I spent a huge chunk of my weekend wallowing in self- loathing. And all of it was pretty unnecessary. Because when the Magician said ‘I need to focus on Satsang’. That was actually all he was saying. My interpretation of his words, my story, the played- out drama, that was all me. So next time, I just want to accept that I was feeling sad. To simple just let myself be sad for that moment. As because I didn’t accept my sadness in the first place, I looked for reasons to justify why I was, which then just made me feel worse and worse.

So now that I can see some beautiful blue sky coming out, I’m going to enjoy a little of whats left of my Sunday. And breath in the fresh salt air.

Love and hugs from me…

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New Years Resolution- #Poem #Poetry

Contemplative faces

Gaze into the distance

Time of reflection

Repetitive promises of improvement

Half heartedly followed

Dreams of cloudless days

Wishes blown to the wind

Hoping to be caught by fairies

Messages of love and connections

Requests for forgiveness fall forthright

On deaf ears

A day like all others

Just a marker in your sand

Delivered with booze and fireworks

And yet the day starts

Continue reading New Years Resolution- #Poem #Poetry

Fruitless Villainy #Poem #Arguements #LoversTears

Life permeates all your words

Spilling from your mouth

As easily as a lovers verse

Turning me to the villian

When I have done no wrong

Banishing me to blood and rath

All to play your childish games

When you are no more than you are

The mind happily blown away

To tears and silence

I Am #Poem #Brokenlies #MovingOn

Choices plague me in the light

Frequently lies of my needs

Self- worth based on affection given

Continue reading I Am #Poem #Brokenlies #MovingOn

Time #Poem #Timer #Measurethis

I measure you in a unit

Thinking I can define you

Limit you, control your passage

Continue reading Time #Poem #Timer #Measurethis

Hawaii #Poem #Aloha #Pacificlife

You attract the masses

Swept in a history of your own

Claimed falsely by American hands

Continue reading Hawaii #Poem #Aloha #Pacificlife