Sea

Boat in a storm

I’m lost in a storm

Clasp the dingy

Hope the waves

Don’t set me adrift

Chant stay afloat

Pray to the Gods

Beg for a way through

Take the salt

Stinging my eyes

I remember a world before

I was lost at sea

When I had my island

But my world flooded

Land fell from my feet

And cursed the sea

So now I wait

Clinging to my dingy

Praying for the storm to pass

And the stars to come

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Together

Rain patters on the ground

Cleansing my body

Running down my soul

Peace fills my silence

Wind ruffling my hair

You’re with me in the breeze

Burning in my heart

Filling my world with love

Always with me

Music beats a drum

In the leaves rustle

Whispering of your eyes

Crystal blue, piercing my eternity

Paths walk parallel

But forever entwined

Hearts in unison

Calling the other in each beat

With the path we take

ADAPT

My new wings unfurl

Drying in the sun

Crystallized, testing my resolve

Adapting me to my new world

My journey inspired them

Amazed them

To me it was mandated

No choice but change

My antennae curl out

Testing my new opportunities

Fooling myself that one road is right

Another wrong

I hesitantly take a step to one

Then understand

I can have them all

There’s no need to chose

Lies

We said goodbye Monday

But lies filled your eyes

I’ve moved on you told me

But you hid the real truth

Sadness crept through you

Transferring in your arms as you held me

I felt my walls crumbling

And a return of knowing you as a friend

Your pain was genuine

And realised this was mutual

I know my love is lost

But yours is still here

Haunted in your face

Your need to stay with me

But my feet carry me out

Of your life, forever

The damage you caused irreversible

As the lies you tell yourself

Ghost

ghost-love-poem

Your ghost is beside me

Lips tracing my own

Fingers entangled in mine

My memory is kind to you

Thinking you stand in the sun beside me

My rosey glasses say there was once love

It had been mututal

But my glasses are breaking

The illusion gone

But you ghost haunts me still

With your stinging remarks

Your cruel diffidence

My love had been unconditional

Limits found when you pushed me away

Not even allowing a goodbye

Hurt

I stabbed you

You called for me to stay

But did you forget

You said goodbye

Did it slip your memory?

I don’t have to listen anymore

I can hear the tension

Even across our sea

As you truly see an end

And its finally on my terms

That I moved on

How long have I known you?

You lay in my childhood dreams

Always there, intense, searching for me

Eyes catch mine, pinning me in place

My heart races, breath forgotten

Your net to catch me, filled with holes

Like catching water in your hands

I dance away, like a fish through fingers

Slipping down river

Till the next life

Waiting for you to catch me

Refusing to let me escape again

For our eternity in the stars

Crystal ball

Crystalball

Lie to me

Take away the sadness

Blow up the future

Tell me a dream

Make me a believer

In forever after

 

Bottomless sadness

Shock tremors through

Overtaking me

Suffocating my steps onward

I bloat on false happiness

Pretending to be complete

When I’m purely hollow

 

Find me

Lie to me

Tell me I have a future

In your crystalball

Not the end I’m sinking too

Beginning of My Camino

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I started out on the Camino on 7th September (having had a long day flying into Lyon from Manchester).  I took the train out to Le Puy (which is famous for its lace and Puy lentils) where I went up to the cathedral to get my first stamp in my Camino passport and wondered around to look at the famous black Virgin Mary statue.

Le Puy is roughly in the centre of France, and is know for being a traditional starting point for the Camino all the way to Santiago. To be honest though, I only started from Le Puy, as I haven’t been to much of central France and I wanted to try and hit 1000 miles and this nicely took me to my target (on top of the Portugual and Camino de Santiago).

Having started out on my walk at 11am I started to confidently follow the easy signs on the route out of Le Puy. This was my first mistake. The walking pathways in France are very easily labelled. However, a number of different walks have the same colored paths but they go in completely different directions. So, the GR65 (which is the Camino route (mostly)) and GR470 can lead you in completely different directions. Along the walk I got to take in some breath taking views over Le Puy, then further onto narrow winding pathways. Although there were ominous grey clouds hanging over my head, I managed to stay dry all day.

So after having walked for about 3 hours I was starting to get a little concerned as I should be getting closer to completing my 23.5K for the day and arriving in my Gite at St- Privat- d’Allier. It was at this moment I finally took out my good old friend google maps, and it showed me I’d been contentedly walking in the wrong direction. For quite a while (massive British understatement!). Google happily showed me I had another 4 hours to go, to get back on my pathway. With a backpack of just under 30pounds (or 13kg) this was not a good introduction to my first day on the Camino. I quickly started to follow the route google showed, and slowly but surely got back on the right path.

I joined back onto the GR65 at roughly St- Christophe- sur- Dolaison. As it was nearing 3pm by this point I was completing the walk alone. But as I started walking through more and more fields I could see the French farmers coming out to continue working their fields. At one point I got to see a field of corn being harvested and got smothers in bits of chopped up green leaves.

As I slowly neared St- Privat- d’Allier I really started to question what on earth I was doing. I’d been walking for 7 hours at this point, run out of water and food several hours previously and felt wholly unprepared for my 1000 mile walk. It was at this point I saw the view out across the gorge in St- Privat- d’Allier. I stopped for a minute to enjoy the view and remembered this was why. It will continue to be a hard journey, but there will be moments where I’ll get to see something incredible.

During this walk I’ll be raising money for the Syrian refugees, if you’d like to sponsor me at all, please find the link here.

With Me

You are with me

As much a part of me as my breath

I hear you in the memories

You stand beside me on the vista

The peace of the quiet

Is disrupted by your virtual heart beat

I am alone and silent

But you are with me

I say goodbye here

Thank you for the years

Take care of yourself

But frankly I don’t give a damn

As although you’re forever with me

I don’t need you

So I won’t care for this piece of you

But I thank you for the journey

You lead my feet too

As without it

I wouldn’t know my strength

Of your imposed limits

Stronger without you

More courageous and bold

Adventures and fiestas fill my days

Friends abound to my previous starved life

Because you’re not there

To dominate my days

I can be me

And find acceptance

So I thank you for the years

But the harsh daylight

Shows I never needed you

In future I will be driven solely by want and love

That I found in the void of your presence

With my reflection

So good luck and thank you

But frankly I don’t give a damn

Where the hell you land

Magnetic 

I am magnetic to you

But I don’t want it

Your cunning eyes can’t leave me

Despite your wife beside you

I feel her wrath upon me

 

Despite my lack of encouragement

Your eyes eat up my free spirit

Like a starving man

A reminder of life’s potential

If you could capture me by your side

 

An accidental touch

Only makes it worse

I can see her controlled facade slip

You’ll live to regret

 

I wish I could wake you both up

To your dissonance with each other

But you’ll hide forever

In each others eternal misery

Apples

I was one half

of a whole Apple

dangling on a branch

 

Till you cut yourself free

my friends poured Lemon Juice

to stop the rot

too late

 

I browned beneath

acid burning my eyes

turning the years stale

twisting against what had been

 

My seeds fell to earth

burrowing into fertile soil

my roots sprouting wings

leaves stretching forth

 

A whole tree is born

where my apple once was

your scar remains

but consumed and lost forever more

Damage

Damage

You ripped me apart

Blamed me for your aches

Attacked me for what I gave just to you

 

Rejected, attempting to find my legs

You ripped them out from under me

Telling me you’d moved on

 

Whilst I watched from the horizon

Unsure where to rest my head

You thrust her things into my home

Let her take my things

 

Salt was just in the wound

Unclear what I did

To deserve all this

 

Was I lower than a dog

That you felt the need

To make me your bitch

 

Karma tells me she’ll come

And then you’ll understand

What you did to me

New World

Clouds are lined with pink

Hearts are warmed by sunlight

Hope burns bright in the air

My life is born today

Energy once lost fills my bones

Life pumps in my muscles

Divinity clears my head

Giving peace to my chatter

Journeys beginning and ending in a moment

Life burning bright, with you holding my heart

My world expands out

To reach places previously silent

Now my world is brimming

With flavors anew

Some exquisite, some off putting

But all form a mosaic

Of what a beautiful new world I’m in

Divorce Leprosy

When your relationship has become doomed, you expect that the in laws will stop talking to you. That friendships will be lost. What I didn’t expect though is the look in an acquaintances eyes when you tell them. Its that look which is either sympathy (and then again you become a victim) or that oh god, she’s going to start crying, and I’m going to be stuck listening to this, run while you still can…. (followed by the sounds of someone screaming down a hill). This is however, I’ve found a great way to get out of a date that isn’t going well. I’ve never seen a man literally physically step further away from me! Hoorah!! As he was a complete creep!! (shudder…).

Even with this said, I’ve found this surprisingly painful, as not only was I rejected from my husband, his family who adopted me as their own, but now complete stranger run from the hills at the sound of it.

And what I’ve learnt from all this, just don’t tell people you don’t have to. Only tell your real friends and family whats going on. And trust me, when this happens, they appear next to you, like an invisible fairy, with a bottle of your favorite poison, a box of tissues and more love than you can shake a big stick at.

So, see you soon! And in the interim, remember tomorrow will be a little easier, and the sun will shine a little brighter (especially in Dublin, we’re having a heatwave, hoorah!). And if you know someone going through this, just be kind, listen, take them for a coffee (or drink) and let them off load. As they’ve just lost a huge part of their support network & they probably need someone to off load on or someone to just listen (and not judge).