Falsehood

Pity in your eyes

You find me alone and assumed lonely

But I am my best friend

I take care of my needs

Better than any man can

Your eyes mirror mine in the past

Your complaints, the ones you keep hidden

Beneath the facade that marriage equals happiness

That solitude is a horror to dread

But hearing your tale

Stings of too many unspoken words

To close to the truth, that I face

Marriage is not a truth of life

Just a consequence of cultured drive

That monogomy is the only goal

With an abundance of screams

But we are different

Your pity unjust

As mine is buffering your arrogance

That I want your life, when clearly I have my freedom

 

Turned

You said you loved me

But didn’t want me

Wanted your fill

Without reciprocation

You’re most important

Fuck anything about me

As long as your full

Regardless that I’m empty

The used tissue

Containing your seed

As long as there’s no demand

Which retracts from you

The world revolves around you

But for me no longer

I don’t need your approval

To be the woman I want

 

Sunrise

Talk when you want

Seek others for more

Endless appetite

Boundless consumption

I’d escaped your grasp

Pulled back from your orbit

This time I don’t gravitate

Only to you

Now I’m your sun

Your obsession clear

Desire to never release

Its clear to all

Only damage here

You do to yourself

I’m just left confused

Wondering why

If life is better without your sun

Why do you await my sunrise

End of 2017

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So the end of the year is coming to a close, and I always find this is a time where I reflect a lot on the positives and negatives that have happened throughout the year. And the hopes, goals and anticipated adventures I will have over the next year.

The end of last year I’d flown back to Dublin, suddenly knowing that my husband left me out of the blue and I was going to be alone, in a city we planned on moving too together. I’d started that painful time of having to convince friends and family that yes, my husband really had left me, and no he wasn’t going to suddenly change his mind. I knew him, when he set his mind to something that was it. Regardless of whether this was the right decision or not.

There were a lot of low moments I felt during the year. I lost half of my family overnight (as typically happens during a divorce). Had to watch as the man who’d been my world disappeared over night, and then promptly moved another woman’s things into my home in London (whilst simultaneously seeing him lie about it). Looking back now, I’m surprised I didn’t have a breakdown at the beginning of the year to be honest. I came exceptionally close 3 times and the last of those moments terrified me, to the point I decided to take a year out from what was my life. In the hopes that I would heal myself. I’d like to point out this wasn’t to ‘get over my ex’. This is something that always rankles me, people assume I wasn’t over him. The thing I hadn’t come to terms with was that I’d spent the last 9 years of my life pursuing a white picket fenced dream that didn’t make me happy. And in the process, I’d completely lost myself.

There were some exceptionally positive moments during this year though where I gained more than I could have expected, or thought I deserved…

I realized what it’s like to have a family to support you no matter what. Got to know my sister on a completely different basis and finally understood what people say, when they say they couldn’t imagine life without her. Experienced my mother’s unfaltering support, to the level that in her mid- 70’s helped me pack up my life in Dublin, after I decided to take a year out of a high- pressured career.

Began to overcome my obsessive compulsive eating disorder and lost about 7 stone (which is about 98 pounds or 44.5kg). Started to write again, which has helped me to slowly find new ways to express my emotions (rather than eating through them). Took on my first outdoor challenge and travelled over 250k across Costa Rica coast to coast. Fell in love with walking, which has lead me to walk 1,000 miles on the Camino (raising ~€900 for Syrian refugees on the way).

I felt unexpected real friendship, when someone says ‘We’re not picking a side, I love you both’. Had endless visits, drinks and ears who listened unjudging. Had the joyful sparks of new friendships blossom and grow in Dublin, and then again with the walkers I meet on my Camino across Europe. And was completely blown away when one friend dropped everything to help me pack up my home in London (after, yes, you’ve guess, my minds 3rd attempt at having a nervous breakdown).

The bitter sweet edge at the end of year was falling in love again. But having to swallow the bitter pill when I realised I still hadn’t spent enough time alone, to know who I am, or at least not enough to be in a relationship again (without losing myself completely). But I’m trying to learn to be patient with myself on this. But patience has never been my strong suit!

And my hopes, goals and adventures for next year? Well, I’m hoping to kick my eating disorder permanently in the butt! Finish writing my first book (hopefully), or at least making a good start on it whilst lying on a sunny exotic beach. Walking 1,000 miles across Europe didn’t sate my love of walking, so I’ll be heading out on the Appalachian trail (2,200 miles) going from South to North USA. Then I’m hoping to head home to Dublin!

I hope you all have a wonderful end to your 2017 and all your dreams and wishes come true for 2018. See you in the new year!!

Sleepless

Anger boils inside me

I can’t understand why

Scars not yet healed

Are brittle and easily split

What will this life mean

How can things change

Words easily spoken

Deeds harder to put in place

I’d thought you once loved me

But I can see through the facade

Lies ring on your lips

To pull me aside

And drag me from my bed

The sleeping giant woken

To bash and brocade

Time is no friend

To our lies

Sea

Boat in a storm

I’m lost in a storm

Clasp the dingy

Hope the waves

Don’t set me adrift

Chant stay afloat

Pray to the Gods

Beg for a way through

Take the salt

Stinging my eyes

I remember a world before

I was lost at sea

When I had my island

But my world flooded

Land fell from my feet

And cursed the sea

So now I wait

Clinging to my dingy

Praying for the storm to pass

And the stars to come

Lies

We said goodbye Monday

But lies filled your eyes

I’ve moved on you told me

But you hid the real truth

Sadness crept through you

Transferring in your arms as you held me

I felt my walls crumbling

And a return of knowing you as a friend

Your pain was genuine

And realised this was mutual

I know my love is lost

But yours is still here

Haunted in your face

Your need to stay with me

But my feet carry me out

Of your life, forever

The damage you caused irreversible

As the lies you tell yourself

Ghost

ghost-love-poem

Your ghost is beside me

Lips tracing my own

Fingers entangled in mine

My memory is kind to you

Thinking you stand in the sun beside me

My rosey glasses say there was once love

It had been mututal

But my glasses are breaking

The illusion gone

But you ghost haunts me still

With your stinging remarks

Your cruel diffidence

My love had been unconditional

Limits found when you pushed me away

Not even allowing a goodbye

Hurt

I stabbed you

You called for me to stay

But did you forget

You said goodbye

Did it slip your memory?

I don’t have to listen anymore

I can hear the tension

Even across our sea

As you truly see an end

And its finally on my terms

That I moved on

Crystal ball

Crystalball

Lie to me

Take away the sadness

Blow up the future

Tell me a dream

Make me a believer

In forever after

 

Bottomless sadness

Shock tremors through

Overtaking me

Suffocating my steps onward

I bloat on false happiness

Pretending to be complete

When I’m purely hollow

 

Find me

Lie to me

Tell me I have a future

In your crystalball

Not the end I’m sinking too

With Me

You are with me

As much a part of me as my breath

I hear you in the memories

You stand beside me on the vista

The peace of the quiet

Is disrupted by your virtual heart beat

I am alone and silent

But you are with me

I say goodbye here

Thank you for the years

Take care of yourself

But frankly I don’t give a damn

As although you’re forever with me

I don’t need you

So I won’t care for this piece of you

But I thank you for the journey

You lead my feet too

As without it

I wouldn’t know my strength

Of your imposed limits

Stronger without you

More courageous and bold

Adventures and fiestas fill my days

Friends abound to my previous starved life

Because you’re not there

To dominate my days

I can be me

And find acceptance

So I thank you for the years

But the harsh daylight

Shows I never needed you

In future I will be driven solely by want and love

That I found in the void of your presence

With my reflection

So good luck and thank you

But frankly I don’t give a damn

Where the hell you land

Apples

I was one half

of a whole Apple

dangling on a branch

 

Till you cut yourself free

my friends poured Lemon Juice

to stop the rot

too late

 

I browned beneath

acid burning my eyes

turning the years stale

twisting against what had been

 

My seeds fell to earth

burrowing into fertile soil

my roots sprouting wings

leaves stretching forth

 

A whole tree is born

where my apple once was

your scar remains

but consumed and lost forever more

Damage

Damage

You ripped me apart

Blamed me for your aches

Attacked me for what I gave just to you

 

Rejected, attempting to find my legs

You ripped them out from under me

Telling me you’d moved on

 

Whilst I watched from the horizon

Unsure where to rest my head

You thrust her things into my home

Let her take my things

 

Salt was just in the wound

Unclear what I did

To deserve all this

 

Was I lower than a dog

That you felt the need

To make me your bitch

 

Karma tells me she’ll come

And then you’ll understand

What you did to me

Divorce Leprosy

When your relationship has become doomed, you expect that the in laws will stop talking to you. That friendships will be lost. What I didn’t expect though is the look in an acquaintances eyes when you tell them. Its that look which is either sympathy (and then again you become a victim) or that oh god, she’s going to start crying, and I’m going to be stuck listening to this, run while you still can…. (followed by the sounds of someone screaming down a hill). This is however, I’ve found a great way to get out of a date that isn’t going well. I’ve never seen a man literally physically step further away from me! Hoorah!! As he was a complete creep!! (shudder…).

Even with this said, I’ve found this surprisingly painful, as not only was I rejected from my husband, his family who adopted me as their own, but now complete stranger run from the hills at the sound of it.

And what I’ve learnt from all this, just don’t tell people you don’t have to. Only tell your real friends and family whats going on. And trust me, when this happens, they appear next to you, like an invisible fairy, with a bottle of your favorite poison, a box of tissues and more love than you can shake a big stick at.

So, see you soon! And in the interim, remember tomorrow will be a little easier, and the sun will shine a little brighter (especially in Dublin, we’re having a heatwave, hoorah!). And if you know someone going through this, just be kind, listen, take them for a coffee (or drink) and let them off load. As they’ve just lost a huge part of their support network & they probably need someone to off load on or someone to just listen (and not judge).

Beginning of a Journey

20170716_183400So I’ve been avoiding writing this for several weeks. I’m not 100% sure why, probably because although I’m about to embark on an amazing adventure and I’m going to have to say goodbye to Dublin (at least for a while).

I’m writing this in what has been my little slice of heaven, 20+ degrees, sunshine, and looking out on the beautiful port of Malahide with a tea in my hand. Why would anyone willingly leave this? Good question.. again, not 100% sure why, I just know that I have too. If I go back to the start, everyone says, ah, yes that makes sense. So my start is 22nd December 2016, my husband calls me and out of the blue and tells me he doesn’t want to move to Dublin (and part of that reason was me). To say it came as a shock is an understatement. Within 4 days, I faced accepting the man I loved intensely wanted a divorce for reasons I wasn’t ready to acknowledge or accept.

So, that’s my start, but my decision to pack everything up and walk 1000 miles on the Camino came some months later. I was back in my old house in Weybridge alone packing up the meagre parts that were 13 years of a black, white and grey relationship. Some things I opened and investigated, other things were too painful to do more than throw in a box (and hope in a few years will have lost their power over me). One thing I dared to open was a jewellery box my Dad had given to my mother (hats off to my epic pilfering (and sorry mum…you love me really?!)). In this was a chain I’d worn during my travels with my ex, which contained 2 St Christopher’s. Who would need 2, isn’t that a little greedy? Why yes! However, both mean a lot to me. One is my mum’s (again, sorry mum…got a feeling I’ll be saying this a lot in here!). The other, my mum gave to me, before I got lost in South America for several months.

Needless to say I pulled it out and put it on. Something hadn’t quite clicked yet. But little did I know, it was about to crash down, like an avalanche.

That evening my mum arrived and I managed to escape the house with her. After chilling out the next day, I had a horrible realisation about how much work I needed to do. So getting back to the hotel at 10pm, I opened up my emails, and began trudging through everything that ‘needed’ to be done. And when I say ‘needed’ to be done, it didn’t. The world wasn’t going to end, there was no emergency, there were no lives at stake. Just another over- demanding group of stakeholders who didn’t care I was on holiday, they just wanted me to get done what they wanted at their convenience. All whilst I was dreading the next day, where I’d be moving out of my home. It was at this moment the crash came. Here I was again, working till 2am, to satisfy some grumpy stakeholders, when I had much bigger things going on. What was I doing with my life? And this is when it hit me, I wasn’t doing my life. I was a passenger trying to make myself believe a white picket fence, with the 2.1 children would make me happy. And none of this had. If anything, it had taken me further from my happiness than I would have thought possible. Within 24 hours I just knew I had to walk 1000 miles on the Camino, and that was that.

And so now I have to say goodbye to my little flat. Something that’s been my sanctuary for the last few months. Where I’ve started to learn to come back to myself. And its because of this I’ve decided a few things:

  1. I’m a cliché… a British version of Eat, Pray, Love and, I love it!
  2. I’m very lucky that I’ve had a roof over my head. So I want to raise some money for those who aren’t as fortunate (the Syrian refugees). I’ve picked 2 charities to support (Movement on the ground and Football for refugees) and will be setting up my donation site imminently.
  3. Divorce is tough. Even when its amicable. And maybe the lesson’s I’ve learnt can help someone else out there. So I’ll be tracking my journey on my blog and hopefully I’ll have enough material to cobble a book together at the end.
  4. My feet are seriously going to hurt soon… Please send plasters… massage therapist.. someone to fan me and serve me peeled grapes.

See you soon, and as they say on the trail, Buen Camino! xox