#WeighedDown

Most people I meet have a part of their body that they hate. They want to change it. Obsess over it. When something changes, you lose a bit of weight, get waxed, use anti- wrinkle cream, or the extremes like plastic surgery. You then just find something else. Because that’s what we do, its not the dislike we have of our body. We’re looking for a fault, we then just like to obsess over it.

I’m struggling with this right now….. And its two things I obsess over now… I can’t seem to just let it go.

So the first is my weight. To give you some of the history, when I got married, within 1 year I put on 60 pounds all the weight. During the next 6 years of my marriage I would continue into a hate cycle of over- eating, obsessing over diets, lose a little weight. Only to just put it all back on and then some. Eventually leading to me being over 100 pounds over- weight.

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My marriage ended suddenly and finally it seemed to break the loop of my eating disorder. I slowly and methodically lost the weight, actually got back to doing excercise. And for those who want to know how I lost the weight, these were the things I did in order:

  1. Stress: I stopped eating for about 2 months. I had to re- train myself to eat. DO NOT DO THIS!!! Its not healthy, and it happened purely because of stress. I only lost a little weight from this, so just don’t do it, its not sustainable or kind to your body.
  2. Excercise: I started to get back into the gym and going hiking.
  3. Food: I started by stopping eating take outs, then stopped eating a lot of processed foods (especially sweets, chocolate and ice- cream). Through this and excercise I lost about 70 pounds.

This helped to build my confidence exceptionally about myself. But I’d still look in the mirror, obsessing about the extra weight. It became a gauge to measure my happiness. More weight gone, obviously meant I was happy? People would compliment me, and I started to go on more and more dates, enjoying my single life.

 

At this stage I was still about 20 pounds over weight. Struggling to get down to the weight I wanted to be. This started to slowly creep away from the final changes I made:

  1. Allergies: A very kind friend recommended I get my food allergies tested. Apparently its fairly common for people with an eating disorder to have food allergies. After being shocked with my list of about 30 odd things I’m allergic too, I slowly cut out all this food. Which basically meant becoming vegan and no more processed food ever….
  2. Vegan: We can get all the nutrition we need from vegan food (except Vitamin B12). My allergies made the choice easy. But ethically its the right thing to do for the planet. Its also just wrong. If you can’t watch ‘Earthings’ as a meat eater, you should just become vegan. And this got the last bits of weight off.

But did this stop me obsessing… No.

I’m still watching the scales everyday. The ghost of my weight. The mind- scar reminder of excess skin at my stomach. I brought up again with the Magician curled up in bed, maybe I could get it removed?

Pulling me gently aside as always he reminded me. Get it removed if you want. It will hurt you, but we have the money, that’s not the issue. The issue is that it won’t change you being obsessed over it. You’ll just obsess over something else on your body that you don’t like. Until you just drop the whole thing. Just accept your body as it is. So instead of burning a serious hole in our house fund I’m going to work on dropping the comparison, the watchman in my mind. The one that stares in the mirror, looking for the ‘errors’. The idiotic thought that thinks I should look like a 20 year-old movie star. The lapse in thought that seriously questions that the Magician would love me more if my body was different. Because if I actually look at those for a second, the ludicrous nature of those thoughts disappears in the light.

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elizadavies

I can come in many labels, many boxes, a divorcee, survivor, traveler, writer, optimist. But these labels only limit me to who I am at this point in time. But as you will read on my blog, I am my journey. I hope you will enjoy walking this path with me.

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