I was quickly discharged from the hospital, grateful that I didn’t need emergency surgery. Given stronger painkillers, I was left in a continual drug haze on the living room floor, unable to move beyond a few paces. The jokes of my constant request for cups of tea, which only went cold at my hands as I feel quickly asleep again. Constant tally’s of what drug I could have next, could I have a strong one again? Or did I have to wait a little longer. My mind unable to focus or think clearly.
In between the continual drug hazes I felt the Magician’s continual presence and love. He didn’t shift in his continual watch over me, my mother quietly observing in the background. It was in between one of these moments, I heard them talk quietly in the kitchen together. The Magician’s tears fell softly, apologising for them. My mothers gentle words, thanks for taking care of me. Doing the things that were impossible for her as she was in a wheel chair, and impossible because of my stubbornness. Sleeping back under into dreamless sleep I started to understand that my desperation for the hike was a need to run. Fear of having my heart broken again, fear of rejection. The Magician couldn’t be clearer in his message, he wasn’t going anywhere. Even gaining my mother’s seal of approval (which believe me, is actually really difficult for any prospective partner of her child).
On the carpet of my mothers living room, I accepted that I would delay starting my Appalachian trail hike. But the greater gift was to finally start seeing through the ghosts of my divorce, and accept responsibility for my lack of trust. Starting to take that first nervous step towards really trusting the Magician. And accepting what he’d told me all along, he loved me and wasn’t going anywhere. Through slipped discs, through 1,000 mile Caminos…..
As the days passed, further trips to the Chiropractor and gently walks started to strengthen me. I started to feel my body blossoming again. I felt determination coming to the forefront, and I re- booked to start the Appalachian trail again in May. The Magician left to start his one month hike on the Portgual Camino and I waited to excitedly see him 2 weeks later in Porto again, before flying on the to US.