Camino Day 29: Rest day Condom

We woke slowly and took a leisurely breakfast. We were both eager to try and find the man we’d been told to see. The man who supposedly would, if we were lucky, tell us the meaning of it all for us. We went to the place he was supposed to be, only to find the area deserted. We agreed to go, sit and have a coffee together and wait till lunch time to return to try and find him.

It was here I managed to get the Magician to listen to my voice recording from the day before. My stomach was a knot of nerves. What would he say? I was telling him I loved him and wanted to have a relationship with him. Not just to know that we might see each other once or twice every few years. I was laying myself on the line to be crushed. And all I could do was hope that he wouldn’t.

His face was passive listening to the recording. Then I saw a flicker of anger cross his features as he came to the end. ‘Sorry, I don’t understand’ he stated.

‘Well, I’m telling you I’m choosing to be with you’ my nervous smile flickering on my lips. This was not the beautiful profession that he too wanted me too, that I’d been hoping for.

‘I don’t know what you want me to say. I just don’t know what I want’ he looked deeply into my eyes. They drifted away from his. Refusing to met his gaze now.

‘Well I’m not saying I don’t want to be with you. I’m just saying I want to know that I want to be with you. Not out of need, I want to chose to be with you completely. I know I’m almost there, but I want to be certain’ he asserted.

‘Its ok’ I said shortly ‘I’m not expecting a response from you, I just wanted you to know that I’d chosen. Take the time you need’. I felt the words rest on my lips. Hoping that as I said them out loud, maybe I would believe them. Heck, its not like he was saying I don’t want to be with you. He was just saying he didn’t know for certain yet.

‘I love you’ He said, trying to hold my hand.

I pulled myself away from his grasp, my body shrinking in on itself.

‘I think I might just need some time alone to write’.

‘Ok’ concern rippling across his face. ‘I’ll head out, I need to call’ as he listed out the various other women in his Hareem back home.

We agreed to meet later again, to try and go back to try and find the man. I scribbled and wrote, anger raging through me. I’d humiliated myself again. Laid myself out, only to be crushed again. And this was from the man who’d been telling me consistently for days that I was the greatest connection he’d ever had. I literally knew I was offering him everything he wanted on a plate. I wasn’t asking him to be monogamous to me, wasn’t asking that we live together and never be separated, all I wanted was for us to agree that we were in a relationship and that we would make plans for a life together (and be separate when we needed to be). And there he was off talking to his Hareem again, the women he wanted to continue to keep in his multiple open relationships. Here I knew, in the afternoon, I was gone. I knew that the Magician would wait to see the person we were trying to catch. He was so close to the temptation of figuring out the answers to so many of his questions on life. For me though, the only questions I’d had, had been given a resounding I’m not sure. And I wasn’t going to live through that again.

We walked in stoic silence back to the area. Again, he wasn’t there. I agreed to wait another 30 mins with the Magician, not yet ready to tell him I was leaving. Every time he moved to me, I would pull away like he was a repelling magnet to me now. As the 30 mins came to an end, anger finally fueled my courage.

‘If he’s not there now I’m leaving’

The Magician’s face fell like I’d slapped him full in the face.

‘Well, you know I’ll be staying’

‘I know’

I moved away, back down the hill, to try and see if the man was there. The Magician trailing in my wake. I could feel the air becoming heavier with each step. The silent gap between us growing till we came back out towards the man’s place.

It was there he stood, as if he’d been expecting us all along. When you meet a Shaman, you know. They have a gift of presence that dominates over you in a gentle caress that would silence the busiest mind. He told us to come back in the evening, and before I knew what was happening I’d agreed to stay. Here the universe was telling me again, stop running. You don’t need to. But without the Magician acknowledging at that point I would be anything more than just another member of his Hareem, then I couldn’t see a future for me there.

We came back in the evening to see the Shaman. And I’m sorry to say that is all I can say of our meeting with him, as these types of meetings are sacred for a reason. The only point I will add is that the Shaman asked us how long we’d been together (having previously mistaken us for siblings (which was odd as I am obviously English and the Magician is French)). When we told him we’d met on the Camino, he literally skipped with joy. And said that’s too good, you too are just perfect for each other. Just never separate, if you have little disagreements, just let them go, it doesn’t matter. Just never separate.

Feeling the intensity of the meeting with the Shaman we knew our walk was over. We buzzed excitedly together. Agreeing to walk tomorrow, just for the pleasure of walking, but our hands were entwined as we both promised to start actually planning a life together. The question of whether we were really going to be together or not, no longer relevant.

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